I am the queen of negative self talk. I can find things about myself and talk myself into a feeling of self pity in less than two seconds. I could list a plethora of things I say to myself all the time, but I’m going to stick to five of the main ones. Here are 5 things I say to myself all the time (and what I’m going to start saying instead).
I spent a wonderful day at Silverwood theme park with my daughter, niece that is visiting from California with her husband and my Great Nephew.
The night before I charged my Nikon and removed the card to empty it and give myself ample space for all the wonderful pictures I was going to take of our day. As I went to take my first picture I got an error, “Not enough memory space”. Wouldn’t you know it, I forgot to put the memory card back in. This left me no alternative but to take lower quality pictures with my phone. What a huge disappointment!! Note to self; Always remember to make sure to either put the card back in, OR pack an extra memory card. Lesson learned.
Despite my mistake it was a wonderful day with family. Any day you can build memories is a good day and while I might not have the physical pictures to show for it, I will never forget the fun we had together!
Have you ever done this?
Until next time,
~Spread your wings…
Many times in our lives we are faced with situations that has hurt us to our core. We’ve been betrayed, lied to, insulted…Sometimes it’s unintentional, sometimes on purpose. Sometimes it’s us that require us to forgive ourselves. Forgiveness isn’t easy when your smack in the middle of pain. And yet, forgiveness is so very important in the process of healing and finding peace.
Forgiveness by no means means we accept the wrong doing or are even okay with it. It means we are able to let go of the pain and move on. In forgiving we are able to learn something about the situation, hopefully to not repeat it or allow it to happen to us again.
I have made some horrendous mistakes in my life that took me forever to forgive myself for. How I treated my parents when I was teenager, how I treated others that didn’t deserve to be treated that way…. Things I said, things I did…I carried around those feelings of guilt for a long time. It’s not easy to forgive yourself especially if you are in the mindset that you don’t deserve to be forgiven. Ask yourself these questions; Are you sorry? Do you feel remorse? Do you have any intention of repeating those things? If you have answered yes, yes and no, then you need to forgive yourself. You DO deserve forgiveness. Torturing yourself over things that you can’t take back is such a waste of energy and it does no good to dwell on those things. We are only human and make mistakes. Chalk it up to a mistake and learn from it. Forgive yourself, free yourself from the pain and guilt of the mistake you made and of knowing what you did was wrong.
Some people do such horrible things that forgiveness seems too good for them. But forgivness isn’t for them, it’s for you. In doing so you are allowing your spirit to move forward without hatred or anger, two emotions that are damaging to our well-being. They might not deserve forgiveness, maybe they feel no remorse or even care that they’ve hurt you, You can’t force them to have a conscience….but that isn’t your problem. You can’t change their thought process, you can’t always make them understand that what they did was hurtful, you only have control over yourself. Forgiving someone for their wrong doing is a release for you, it means that you will no longer allow that pain to consume you. You’ve now learned they can’t be trusted, and you’ve consciously learned to not allow them to hurt you again.. In doing that, you can move on happily despite the pain they have caused. Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook, it’s simply letting go so you can move on. Forgiveness prevents them from destroying your heart.
Peace in forgiveness-
I read a wonderful quote the other day that is so very true. “There is no Peace without forgiveness.” If you are so focused on the horrible thing that has happened to you, you are filling your spirit with anger and hatred. These emotions believe it or not can cause a lot of problems mentally and physically. I have made myself physically and mentally ill over things that have been done to me. I had no peace, only despair and sadness. I’d often ask myself what I’d done to deserve to feel this way. The answer? Nothing. I was allowing it to tear me up inside. It wasn’t until I took a look at my situation and said, “They don’t deserve my forgiveness, they didn’t ask for it, they didn’t apologize, but I’m going to give it to them anyway, I’m going to be done with this,” it was then that I found peace.
Forgiveness is not easy~
In fact it’s very difficult when your pain is still fresh. It’s not something that can happen overnight but it should definitely be something to work towards for your own good. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to someone, “I forgive you, but I don’t trust you and I won’t allow you to hurt me again.” It could take days, months even years to get to that point, but remember the longer it takes the more you are hurting yourself. You didn’t deserve to be hurt to begin with, don’t allow that pain to continue.
5 steps to forgiveness-
- Identify how you were wronged and how it made you feel.
- Put yourself in their shoes, (this is a tough one because there is no excuse for hurting someone), but ask yourself why you think they did what they did or what they may be going through to have acted this way.
- Wish them well. Maybe not verbally, but in your heart wish them happiness. Sending positive thoughts and wishes come back to us. Even when we don’t feel as though they deserve it.
- Forgive yourself. Sometimes we try to blame ourselves for other people actions and the part we may have played in it.
- Be grateful for what they have taught you. Face it…through all of this we’ve learned something..be grateful for the lesson.
You may need to go through these steps over and over again until you feel good about them., but they will help you to forgive and in turn find peace.
Do you have any tips on how to forgive? Share with me in the comments!!
Until Next time,
~Spread Your Wings..
The 5 stages of grief, and the healthiest way to move through them, from someone with a lot of experience in this topic.
In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced these stage of grief In her book, “Of Death and Dying”
While I have gone through these stages many times in my life, I’ve found that they don’t pertain to just the loss of some one you love, but can be applied throughout many different life’s experiences. To overcome them we must first understand and acknowledge that we’re going through them. The road is always difficult, but it can be done with perseverance and commitment to find happiness again.
The common example I can share is when I lost my daughter during delivery. When My Mother-In-Law found out, her response was, “No, she’s not dead. It can’t be.” It took days to convince her that it indeed had happened… She was gone.
The uncommon example in everyday life is when you lose your job. A job you loved, a job you were happy at. Your boss decided one day to fire you. You go into denial, “How could he fire me? I’ve done everything right…this can’t be, there must be some mistake.” The reality is, you were fired and that can be hard to grasp and can bring us to the next stage.
I’ve been in the situations where I was angry that God didn’t take me instead. Angry at the world for their happiness in a time when I was suffering. They didn’t know. It wasn’t their fault and I’m the type of person who wants people to be happy, I was just angry it happened to me. I was angry at the person who left me.
Anger is an ugly beast. It consumes you. It blinds you from anything positive in your life, and yet it’s an absolute necessity to getting out all the negative feelings that so many hold within. We have to embrace those feelings to work through them.
In everyday life you’ll find yourself angry at the boss who fired you, possibly yourself for not doing something extra to make that good impression that could have kept your job. ‘What is meant to be will be’, look for the open door awaiting you and let of of the anger as soon as you can.
It almost never fails when we lose someone we love we ask God to please take us instead. We make promise that we normally wouldn’t ever think of making, we bargain.
In the previous example of losing ones job, we also bargain.
*”What if I do this? Can I get my job back?
A loss of a significant other,
*”What if I change, would you take me back?”
Bargaining is a tool that has been used for centuries. Although in most cases it is completely ineffective.
Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, Depression is another consuming feeling. It can cause your mind to focus on unrealistic, negative things and cause further sadness and self-doubt. Depression is like being in a prison in your mind with no visual way out. We have a tendency to lose hope and feel that there will never be anything better than this very moment.
*I’ll never see my love again, My life is over. How can I live with out them?
*I’ll never find another job, I’m worthless. Nobody wants me.
It’s in the moments we are able to recognize our unrealistic thoughts, whether it be by ourselves or with a counselor, we are able to realize that our life isn’t over and there truly is hope for the future. All these things do not end our life, but teach us strenth and endurance. I wish I could say that none of us will ever have to face the stages of grief, but it’s all a part of life.
That moment when we give into the inevitable, We realize at this point we can’t change it so therefore we accept the change and move forward. Acceptance doesn’t mean we agree, it means we tolerate it. Energy is wasted in fighting a losing fight, so we might as well accept it and move on with our lives with a more positive attitude.
“I’ll miss my loved one, but they are no longer in pain and I’ll see them again.”
“I’m not getting my job back, but I’ll find another one.”
It’s not the end of the world, just the end of a chapter. Don’t let the past affect the great things in your future.
How Long it takes to get through.
There is no answer for this. No matter what anyone tells you, each person deals with grief in many different ways in their own time.
I have, myself gone from denial to anger, back to denial, to depression..It was an emotional roller-coaster, but it’s normal. There is no set way to progress from one stage to the other without the possibility of revisiting other stages. If we don’t find closure in each stage, we will revisit it.
Here are a few ways I’ve found to help through the grieving process.
- Feel each emotion. Don’t stuff it. Let it out and acknowledge it.
- Forgive yourself. Whether it was your fault or not, There was nothing you can do to change it. All you can do it learn from it. Take that opportunity.
- Get mad. Express the specific reasons why you are mad, and then let it go.. Anger does nothing to fix anything. It hurts you more than anything else.
- It’s normal to be sad, but don’t allow it to consume you. While you may not be able to see it now, there is light at the end of the tunnel…focus on it.
- Never Lose Hope. Even when it’s hard to see, it’s there…always.
My favorite saying of all time is this and have been source of inspiration to overcome grief. I hope it helps you as well.
- “God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”
- Until next time,
- ~Spread your wings and find peace,
I took the whole month of May off from blogging, writing and pretty much everything that involved social media. While I really needed the time off for myself, it’s rough getting back into it. I’ve spent some time on my Facebook page the last few weeks, but other than that I’ve been scarce. I’m dusting off my keyboard and making a comeback.
Writing is like riding a bike… No, it’s like playing a piano, or singing.
I took 7 years of piano lessons when I was younger, from age 8-15. At the age of 19 I began teaching for 2 years. I know how to read music..and I have natural rhythm. But, I can’t play the piano worth a damn now because I haven’t kept my fingers nimble. My mind works fast enough, my fingers just can’t keep up. Could I get it back? Absolutely. Practice.
I have the same issue with singing…I stopped doing it and now my vocal cords hate me. My diaphragm says, ‘I don’t think so…you should probably practice for the next 6 months before attempting that song.’ Again, I could get it back.. again, more practice.
That is writing to me. I need to warm up before I do a live performance. I need to practice and get my mind back in the zone.
In the meantime….Um, I really need a planner.
I’m planning more blogs, articles, another contest and I’ve started my June favorites list…I’m excited about that!
Until next time~
Spread your wings…
We’ve always been told to ‘never judge a book by it’s cover’. Covers can be elaborate, plain, some are so beautiful and some are completely unattractive to the readers eye. Some have very little color, but it’s what’s in the book that matters.
My 20’s were awesome… I could recover from a night of drinking, walk miles, hang with friends, stay up all night and feel fine the next day…No problem. My mom kept warning me that at some point in my 30’s things would change. My body wouldn’t tolerate all that crazy stuff I was doing to it. It’s not that I didn’t believe her, I was just too young to care.
30 came along and I partied on, recovery wasn’t as easy, but still doable and I could still do all the stupid stuff I did in my twenties. (I don’t know why I thought at exactly 30 I would feel differently, as if, BOOM! you’re 30, shit is going downhill…. I was beginning to think my Mom was just messing with me.) I felt great. I could still fall down and walk it off, deal with a small bruise and be fine.
It was about 33-34 that things started going downhill for me. I woke up one morning and I had an ache in my shoulder that I couldn’t explain. I spent half the day trying to remember what I had done the day/night before to cause it..nothing…. I hadn’t done anything. No softball (Not like I played it), no throwing a Frisbee for my dog..and it wasn’t like a friend jokingly punched me, so I popped a couple Ibuprofen and went about my day. An hour later my shoulder felt fine and I forgot about it.
The next morning a different pain, this time my leg..I thought to myself, now what? Again I racked my brain to try and figure out why my leg was hurting. I didn’t run a marathon (like that would EVER happen), didn’t even go for a walk… the most I had done was worked all day, but I had done nothing to warrant this aching in my leg. I would have figure if anything it would have been my feet from being on them all day. Again, a couple Ibuprofen and an hour later I felt fine.
After a couple of weeks of waking up every morning with some sort of random pain it occurred to me; “My Mom wasn’t joking.” My body was just aching from being upright, I had hit my 30’s and the pains had come.
A few years back I dove off a dock at the lake and hyper-extended my back, I felt like I had broke it, but after a CAT scan, they found nothing…now every time I move just right, my back aches. My legs ache after a day of walking or sitting in the same position for too long. It’s very frustrating to have the Doctor tell you that there is absolutely nothing wrong, but every morning I wake up and something, SOMETHING aches. It comes with age, my Mom wasn’t joking. Listen to your Mother!
I wish I could say that working out and staying fit prevented this from occurring, (It helps to a degree, of course) but my husband who has been in the military for almost 20 years and works out regularly has this issue as well. Of course there are the pains that are worse than others, like the ones caused from carrying around 75-100 pounds of gear while on deployments, that shit will wreak havoc on your back and knees.
Enjoy being young and agile while you can because at some point in your 30’s your body will decide that it just feels like aching today and you’ll have no clue why or what you could have possibly done. Nights of drinking will be harder to come back from, long walks, activities like walking up stairs, or carrying boxes…you’ll begin to feel the repercussions and Ibuprofen will become your friend.
Believe me when I tell you, the pains will come. (Ages will vary, but it will happen)
Until Next time….
`Spread Your Wings,